Calling On My John Wayne

Today I am feeling a bit out of sorts. Actually, more than a bit. Painting is going wonderful, everything in that aspect of life is grand. Everything else however; is spinning out and I have no way of reigning it in.

My mom had a weird way of raising my siblings and me - she aimed to raise us to be tough. Her dad was her hero, a real tough-guy that showed no emotions ~ except the ones seeping out all over his face. She looked to him to learn how to deal with heartache and hurt and trouble, and he looked at the tv. There she watched him watch John Wayne - the toughest of tough-guys back then, and somewhere in her magical head she learned everything she needed to know about the heartaches and hurts and troubles that would ever find her. She grew up, had four tiny kids, and out of her mouth more often than not was "you gotta be tough, like John Wayne". So as I looked at her to learn how to deal with friends treating me badly, boys not liking me back, losing my only friend each year to parents that needed to relocate - that's the answer I got. You gotta be tough, like John Wayne. At this moment, I only wish I could be tough like John Wayne. I never could. Just like my mom never could, and just like her dad never could. Instead I am devoured by heartache and hurt and trouble. And so I paint...